Petfinder Post: Drudge Kitten's First Report

Time for a totally silly Cat Sanctuary Interview in which a human attempts to translate the nonverbal communication of another kind of animal into English words...

PK: "Drudge-kitten, you have just reached a developmental milestone, and it's time you reached another one. You were named after a great blog called the Drudge Report. It's time for you to report. What should readers know about you?"

Drudge: "I am adorable!!!"

PK: "That goes without saying. You are a kitten."

Drudge: "And I'm Pastel's and Borowiec's kitten, at that. Which means I'm Serena's grandkitten. I am very social, somewhat clever, and also, because of Borowiec, I have super soft and fluffy fur and I love to have it groomed and petted. I am a snugglebunny! You used not to notice it because my sister and brothers were even snugglier, but I actually like to be flipped over and tickled. And although I used to like to flip my siblings over, like every ten or fifteen minutes, when I had siblings, I have never bitten or scratched a human. Never!--I never used to bite or scratch through the siblings' fur, either, actually. I grew from second largest to largest kitten in the litter, and I'm strong and healthy, but I've always known my strength was not for hurting anyone."

PK: "You are up for adoption."

Drudge: "I don't want to be adopted. I don't want to be alone! I don't want to leave my grandmother alone!"

PK: "There is that. On the other hand, you are a t..."

Drudge: "Don't say it! I try to be good! I do everything a girl kitten would do, except, y'know, be female. I've been taunted and even molested by a family friend who says I'm girlish, but I try."

PK: "You don't fight,  you don't bite, and so far you haven't even been leaving tomcat odor on the porch, but I've seen some things you do, Drudge. You are an adolescent tomcat. Some cats have to be male and you are one of them. It's not all bad. Some people prefer a male cat as a companion. You just happened to be born at a house where none of those people live." 

Drudge: "But I'm still a sweet, cuddly, fluffy kitten! Same as I've always been! I love you! I love everybody! I'm a cute, lovable, caressable little fluffball!"

PK: "And you try to distract humans from things like hauling in groceries, burning trash, or pruning the hedge..."

Drudge: "Well of course! What good do those silly games do me?"

PK: "You had a great-great-great-grand-uncle who tried to distract someone from pruning the hedge and was stepped on and crushed. And the human who stepped on him felt just absolutely terrible about it."

Drudge: "Was that you?"

PK: "No, it was another human, who died a few years later. But I assure you the deliveryman, who now has two car phones in the delivery truck, is even bigger and heavier; and I'm sure he'd be just as sorry. You really need to stop trying to distract humans, Drudge."

Drudge: "Am I as small as that kitten was?"

PK: "Well, no. Actually a person who had not picked you up might think you were a full-grown cat, and I suppose you are as big as some adult cats--small females--six or eight pounds. Most of your size is still fur, though. Anyway, what can you tell our readers about your big achievement?"

Drudge: "Oh. That. Well, yes...I caught a mouse."

PK: "How did that happen?"

Drudge: "Well...I wasn't really watching. I was hiding. That human who creeps around at night? I've heard that he was the one who caused my mother to die, so when I smelled him approaching I hid. But then I smelled that he'd gone away leaving the usual mice, and my grandmother was inside with you, so I scattered them! What else are mice good for? I chased them into the woods--all but one who crawled up into the wall while I was chasing another one. I could smell him in the wall."

PK: "Everyone could. Male rodents smell stronger than females but I think that one must have had some sort of kidney disorder."

Drudge: "And you wanted my grandmother to chase him out, and the mouse had been running from wall to wall for two days and nights, and Gran was trying to make peace with you after having displeased you yesterday. I heard you teasing her about being an old Jennyanydots. What's that?"

PK: "Jennyanydots was a very famous old grandma cat. All she did was sit and sit and sit. Her human, a poet, imagined that she taught mice and vermin as if they were kittens."

Serena: "I'm a long way from that time of life! But you seemed to need a bit of a cuddle!"

PK: "After you climbed up on the window sill the third time! I should think so!"

Drudge: "You had shouted at her to go out, and she'd started to go out, then heard the mouse in the wall and thought it might try to get out into the closet. So she went in and occupied the closet. That, of course, drove the mouse straight out to me. I jumped at it, and...when I looked down...I'd caught it!"

PK: "And how did you, as a spoiled pet kitten, feel about that?"

Drudge: "Well, it certainly wasn't good to eat! Cats are supposed to eat mice but that one was disgusting. I didn't like to go near the possum--my aunt always dealt with them--but I left it on the ground for the possum's consideration. The possum didn't eat it. So then I thought I'd leave it on the porch for you. You didn't eat it. You scooped it up in a plastic bag and set it in the trash barrel. But you did seem...pleased?"

PK: "I was delighted. Tomcats are generally dumb animals who don't learn to hunt enough to survive in the woods, but just go around to different female cats' houses and beg--even if they're overfed by humans who think overfeeding will keep them close to home. For most male animals really are inferior, expendable, and nasty. But your great-great-great-great-great-grand-uncle Mackerel was a real hunter. Possibly you'll be another one. Like your mother, you're no match for Serena or Silver but you're brighter than the average cat."

Drudge: "Even if I did a stupid thing...?"

PK: "Yes, a few days ago you stuck your head right down inside a tin can, forgetting that your head is now big enough to get stuck inside, and fell down and rolled right through the hedge and down into the road in front of a truck. Fortunately for you the truck happened to belong to a decent human being who stopped and blew the horn, so I came out and found you. You wouldn't have scratched him if he'd tried to help you, would you, Drudge?"

Drudge: "Well...I might have tried to run away. I never mean to scratch anybody."

PK: "But nobody in the neighborhood will ever forget how a long-ago cat called Liza ran away when she was brought up here. Some older humans' skin tears very easily, even if it heals just as easily. Liza was rescued by an older man--about as old as that neighbor is by now. When released from the trap she left a trail of bleeding wounds. I suppose that's left him cautious about trying to help cats."

Serena: "Rightly so, I might add."

Drudge: "Yes. I'd much rather be picked up by you than by a stranger, even a familiar stranger, when my head was stuck in that tin. I was scared. But I heard your voice, even if I couldn't see or smell you, and thought you were sure to help...and you did help."

PK: "From now on, if you want to get the last drop of flavor out of a tin, you'll just have to get your paw dirty like the grown-up cat you're very close to being. Drudge, I'm sure you used to wonder about this, and now you know. You really are growing up. Do you have a role model you try to grow up like?"

Drudge: "Yes, I have. In most ways I want to grow up just like my grandmother!"

PK: "A good goal. She's a fine cat."

Drudge: "Only in one way I want to be different from her. I never want to be too grown-up and dignified to lie on your lap and be petted."

Serena: "That may be! All the same you'll never have Office Privileges."

Drudge: "I can live with that as long as I can purr and cuddle and get regular meals. I don't have to eat mice now, do I?"

PK: "Not if our readers and I have any say in the matter. We'll certainly try to supply you with kibble."

Drudge: "Kibble is much, much better food than mice."

PK: "The generation of humans that are nearly all gone by now used to say that a barn cat should have nothing to eat but mice, and whatever scraps the dogs, cows, and chickens might let it have, so that it would make itself useful hunting mice. They might drop an extra table scrap for a mother cat with kittens, but never for a tomcat. Those people didn't have any of their cats sterilized and usually thought they had too many barn cats already. That was before glyphosate--when unaltered cats could easily become overpopulated--so starving them off was probably more humane than letting them die of infectious diseases. But it never was a very humane way of living with cats, and it's completely unrealistic now. People need to feed cats, even the males. Most mice aren't fit even for cats to eat and should be left for possums...or for ants and burying beetles, if you don't have a possum."

Serena: "Some other people say that cats should be kept indoors all the time and never have a chance to hunt anything, anyway. Bury that!"

PK: "Bury it deep! Those people are thinking realistically about the life expectancy of cats in crowded cities. But nothing and nobody, not even humans, should live in crowded cities anyway. Cats and humans need to be outdoors at least some of the time. And humans need for cats to be at the top of the food chain, because cats are effective predators on rodents but are not able to turn on humans...even if they do not actually eat most of the rodents they kill. However, when cats get older and sleep most of the time, they live longer if they come indoors."

Serena: "I like being the one with office privileges...but I also like going out to hunt/ Don't get any ideas! If I can't climb on trees and claw at logs outdoors, I'll climb on shelves and claw at furniture!"

PK: "What do you think of the cat playrooms and 'catios' we see some people building for city cats?"

Serena: "I suppose they're good enough for city kitties who've never had anything better but I am Queen of the Cat Sanctuary and what you call the adjacent acres. To cats they're part of the Cat Sanctuary."

PK: "Tragically some humans don't appreciate cats' sense of property lines...as you've learned this winter. However, human laws that try to be 'kind' and 'humane' to the likes of our Bad Neighbor happen to be the best guarantee I can think of that he'll suffer for a long time before he dies. There is that. We have some other people watching him now, so he needs to understand that for him, just as for you, any step away from home may be his last. You don't need to be confined or sterilized, but he does. Let's move on to more pleasant subjects...like the cats and dogs looking for homes."

Serena: "Must I pretend I'm interested in them?"

PK: "No. It's about time you and Drudge had dinner. Enjoy your meal while I try to pick just one from each page of the cutest pictures of adoptable pets in the Eastern States."

1. Huggy from NYC 

His web page: https://www.petfinder.com/cat/huggy-75238388/ny/new-york/anjellicle-cats-rescue-ny488/

He was probably a pet who became the victim of a human family problem. He was dumped out into an alley on a cold winter day. Instead of trying to join the alley cat colony he ran into an apartment and begged for food and attention. He likes humans more than other cats and might not mind being the only animal in the family as much as most cats do. 

2. Suki from DC

Her web page: https://www.petfinder.com/cat/suki-75706570/dc/washington/humane-rescue-alliance-foster-homes-dc03/

Suki is in foster care. I don't completely trust her foster humans, because they suggest that she's going to be a wonderful once-in-a-lifetime pet, and if that were the case, how could they bear to let someone else adopt her? I thought our Silver was likely to become a once-in-a-lifetime pet if she outlived Serena, and I hate the idea of her staying somewhere else, even with neighbors. She belongs where I am! Some other cat can live with Trumpkin and his humans. Silver is mine! Well, anyway, this Suki's spots are different but she looks just a bit like Silver, only not half as pretty. Maybe she really is sweet and lovable and social and all that they say. 

3. Marilyn from Atlanta   

Her web page: https://www.petfinder.com/cat/marilyn-the-mewodel-75630430/ga/atlanta/little-lives-animal-rescue-ga1105/

Petfinder-affiliated shelters in Georgia seem to have very little turnover. Half the cats on that page have been featured here before! Anyway, Marilyn is new. She was rescued from an alley but may have been an abandoned pet, first, because she seems too friendly to have grown up feral. When rescued she had a nasty little disease that happened to be truly fixed  by spaying. She is the legendary cat who actually seems grateful for having been spayed. She loves to purr-and-cuddle with humans. She's friendly with other cats, too, and likes to greet people at the door...and they say she's actually earned money as a model, or "mewodel." 

1. Daisy from Alabama via NYC 

Her web page: https://www.petfinder.com/dog/daisy-al-75639602/ny/new-york/rescue-dogs-rock-nyc-ny1274/

She's a Great Pyrenees, like Dave Paulides' "Executive Producer Huck L. Berry" dog. Gentle, affectionate fluffballs--super fluffballs--this breed was developed to survive on snow-capped mountain peaks. Daisy probably prefers winter to summer and might be happier in a place that gets more winter weather than Alabama. If you let her coat grow out to its full glory you may also be plagued, as Paulides says he's been, with clueless people yammering about how dangerously fat she is--when she's actually slim under the coat. Trimming the coat would do much to solve both problems but then she wouldn't look so special. Decisions decisions...Anyway Daisy is thought to be about two years old and a great hugger. Even at her healthy weight she's a large dog who will need lots of food and lots of exercise. On the other hand, no matter how sweet and affectionate a big dog may be, few evildoers will want the dog to catch them looking at you. If you want to walk or jog on the mean streets of New York, Daisy would be a great sidewalk-and-alley buddy.

2. Imogene by way of DC 

Her web page: https://www.petfinder.com/dog/imogene-75686079/dc/washington/rural-dog-rescue-md384/

How did a hound as cute as this one get into a shelter? I picture her human in a hospital. "Dad, you can't go back home. You're too fragile and anyway the house has to be sold to pay your hospital bill." "What about my dogs?" "No worries. We put them in a good place." And the dogs are in a shelter. Imogene would have been killed to make room for some stray mutt if the miracles of modern technology didn't make it possible for her to be advertised as a pet in the big city. Imogene seems to be a pretty cool dog who can be happy almost anywhere...

No. I don't know this. Some part of my brain is reading the name "Imogene" as a suggestion to "imagine." Imogene may be the one who strayed, for all I know.

Anyway, she's just a pup, likely to grow bigger than she is now but probably not over 50 pounds. Bred to go hiking and camping with you, she'll enjoy couch potato time at home too. 

3. Thumper by way of Atlanta 

His web page: https://www.petfinder.com/dog/thumper-75815603/ga/atlanta/carolina-german-shepherd-rescue-sc425/

He's just a puppy. His mother was a retriever,  and, according to his web page, weighed about 45 pounds, but they have reason to believe he'll be bigger than that when full-grown. They also insist that the dogs be kept indoors. Is anyone seriously going to keep a 60-pound dog in the house? Retrievers, at that--not Aussies or Alsatians who can be trained to bring you their lead when they need to be taken outside. You might need to tell the control freaks that of course Thumper will be an indoor dog, with mental reservations like "...when the temperature is in the single digits." (Because of course you let animals come inside, or at least huddle in the basement, when the temperature is in the single digits.) He may be a total "blonde" all his life,  as many retrievers are, but he's already guaranteed to be friendly and lovable. Most retrievers are those things too. In any case, don't you want to get him out of that little cage into a place where he'll still be able to stand up straight next week?

I have known people who willingly chose to live with more than one retriever. Thumper has siblings. Just a thought.